From April to September

23 weeks. That’s a long time to for a blogger to go without blogging.  In that time, I’ve manged to become the world’s crappiest blogger by avoiding the keys on my computer & the thoughts in my head and on my heart.

23 weeks ago I made my last blog entry about our embryo transfer day and left many of my few followers in the dark about the outcome, and for that, I apologize.  Before I get to all of my excuses for my lack for writing, let me share my good news.  I am writing this entry while 25 weeks pregnant with a healthy baby boy!  Even seeing the words on the screen don’t seem real at times.

At first, I was hesitant to share because  things started out so strangely.  At our 6 week scan, the nurse found 2 fetal poles, that’s right folks, 2!  If you remember right, we only had 1 embryo transferred, which meant we were pregnant with identical twin boys!  We were overwhelmed, in shock, and scared.  There are so many complications that come with twins, especially identical twins, and particularly when mom isn’t quite 5 feet tall.  However, Brett and I were all too ready to take on the challenge.  We returned to the RE a week later to find only one fetal pole.  What happened to the other one?  Was it even there?  Is the remaining baby still genetically normal? Sadly, we never received an answer to our first two questions, we do know now that our baby is genetically normal and growing and developing as he should.  Our news of a successful conception, almost seemed like another loss.

After we were 13 weeks pregnant, Brett thought it was time to share the good news with extended family members, and after that ‘the cat was out of the bag’ (thanks, Mom) and soon acquaintances and people only known to my mother were randomly approaching me with their congratulatory remarks.  Even though I appreciated their congratulatory remarks, I couldn’t help but wonder where these people were through my struggle to conceive or during my miscarriage grief.   Where were their words of encouragement?  Where were their expressions of empathy?  I find it so hard to accept our societies lack of empathy. Why can we only show support through good times and not through the bad?  But, that’s a topic for another time.

Largely, I didn’t feel compelled to share the continuation of my story because to be honest, I’ve been suffering from a little bit of survivor’s guilt.  I wondered how it would make others on this forum feel who are still in the trenches of infertility and miscarriage.  I feel a since of guilt that all of my dreams are coming true while others just like me and still fighting that fight day in and day out.  Ladies, I know your pain, and to be honest, I still feel remnants of that pain even now. I still fear that the worst will happen to my child.  I still struggle with the idea that if God puts the desire in my heart to have another child, that I will have to endure the challenges of infertility all over again.  To those continuing to fight, I think about you daily, and can only pray that you find peace and hopefully the pregnancy that I have found.

For those of you interested, I will share some of the details these last amazing 23 weeks of my life.  At the time, the 1st trimester didn’t seem that bad, sure I had some bouts of nausea but nothing I couldn’t handle.  I was tired a lot & napping almost every day.  Now that I am nearing the end of my 2nd trimester, I realize just how bad I felt that 1st trimester!  I feel great now.  I’ve got that killer baby bump going on, and I feel him move every day, which by the way is the most humbling and beautiful feeling in the world.  It makes me so grateful that God made me a woman and that I get to carry this child in my body for 40 weeks.  I honestly LOVE being pregnant and I am soaking up every minute of it, because nothing in life is guaranteed.  I most likely will never be pregnant again.  I have 15 weeks left in this pregnancy, even though  I absolutely can’t wait to meet my son, I am perfectly content with him being safe and sound in my belly.  Even though I was adamant about not having a ‘baby shower’ my dear friend convinced me (or told me she wouldn’t be my friend any more) if I didn’t let her throw me a shower. Well, it isn’t going to be a shower.  It will just be the friends that I always hang out with, doing what we normally do; hanging out in a garage, eating food, and drinking beer.  Only I won’t be drinking beer, and people will bring the baby gifts.

Wish me luck at being a better blogger. I hope to keep you all updated on my thoughts and feelings over these next several months.  As always, I am thinking and praying for the couples who are actively grieving the loss of their child & for those struggling to conceive.  I always hated when people would say ‘keep fighting and it will happen’, so I’m not going to say that.  I will say to find joy in the place where you are, even if it seems like hell.