Two Week Recap

The past two weeks have been a much needed distraction. Two weeks off of work for Christmas Break, our anniversary trip to Chicago, the holiday parties, catching up with good friends, and our New Years’s Eve weekend at my sisters have definitely served to keep mind from thinking too much about our future. I wish the two week wait would go by as quickly as these last two weeks have! 

The teacher in me asks; So what have I learned? 

1) In our trip to the city to celebrate our six years of marriage I was reminded yet again that our love for each other is by far strong enough to get through anything. We grow closer everyday. We have every reason in the world to drift apart, but we don’t. What a blessing. Several of my close friends iterated to me that they see us as a couple that can do anything. I am proud that people see us in that light. Our marriage has always been my number one priority and it’s comforting to know that I am succeeding in at least one aspect of my life. Here’s to hoping year number 7 is a lucky one for us! 

  

2) During our family Christmas gatherings, I basked in the glow of my love for them and their love for me. Brett’s family is so kind, inviting, laid back, and genuine. We spent a few hours on Christmas Day going through a family history scrapbook. It was marvelous. My heart was filled with wonder as we saw photos of great grandparents and the like. It was bittersweet in a way though, knowing that I may be the one to end the continuing of such a proud family name. For some reason, though, I know that I won’t. My family Christmas, as always, was a blast! Between my two siblings and their SOs we are all 7 years apart, top to bottom and no one has kids! So lots of drinking and games ensued. My family is the next most important thing in my life, besides my marriage. My siblings and their SOs are without a doubt my four best friends. How cool is that? Maybe this fork in our road to baby will lead us to a life where our kids can be the same age as their cousins? That would be an adventure. 

3) It’s about to be a new year. So what have I learned from this one? I remember that at this time last year I was the most hopeful person I had ever been. I mean we were doing IVF-our problems would be solved! Baby C would be here by year’s end! How quickly, that hope faded with 3 failed IUIs and 2 IVF transfers both ending in miscarriage. For some reason, I can’t put my finger on it, but I’m feeling hopeful again. In just this past month, we’ve become more open to the idea of pre-implantation genetic screening, embryo adoption, and even traditional adoption. We know now that the road won’t be easy. We know that we might not get exactly what we want, when we want it. I’m sure that there will be surprises along the way this year but this time I’m aware of that. I have learned that God gives us peace beyond all understanding, which is where I am at now. At peace. It’s okay if it takes years for our miracle. It’s fine if we fail. God has a plan for our life, he promises to give us a hope and a future. I’m grateful for the relationship I’ve had with God this past year-something I never truly considered before, when my life was going just the way I had planned. It’s crazy how much I learned about myself and my life in just two weeks time. 

I pray that the new year brings a vast amount of hope, love, and peace to my life and to yours as well. 

The Breakdown

Today, I had my second D & C in 4 months.  I am currently riding the anesthesia high. That’s what I call it any way.  I always feel ‘good’ right after a surgery, a sort of buzz and I am constantly hungry.  It’s strange to feel good on one of the most horrific days of your life.  That’s why I am taking tomorrow of off work, not because of the physical pain but because of the emotional pain that I know I will feel when I wake up in the morning.

So now, I’m just waiting for the breakdown.  It took me nearly 8 weeks last time for the breakdown.  For me, it happened after I had felt like I accepted the fate of our 1st child.  I was happy.  I was running a lot-getting back to the old me.   I was out and about socializing with my friends and family.  Then one day, BANG!  It hit me. ‘The Breakdown.’  To me,the breakdown was about how I felt about myself and my poor pitiful life.  It wasn’t necessarily about missing Rio, it was but it wasn’t.  It was more about how mad I was that I couldn’t control my life and how no matter how much I thought I deserved it, I couldn’t get what I wanted.   I just don’t want to feel sorry for myself.  I don’t want to feel bitter about our situation.  That is what I am praying for the most right now, that I can grieve our loss without making it seem like I am the only one in the world who is struggling.  I don’t want to breakdown THAT way.

I pray that I can honor our children by being a strong person.   To me, a strong person, isn’t someone who ‘get’s over it’.  A strong person isn’t someone who doesn’t cry and holds in their feelings. A strong person isn’t someone who keeps pushing simply to push. To me, a strong person is someone who can learn from life’s adversities, someone who can use their own struggle to help others. Someone who can see God’s plan and not their own and have the patience to wait for God’s perfect timing.

I pray that I don’t give up on our dream because I’m scared or tired.  Which I am very much, scared and tired all of the time.  But more than that I want to become a better person because of this.  I want it to fill my heart with love for others and everyday miracles.

I don’t want to breakdown.  Mourning our children is hard enough.

From Bad to Good

The following song was the inspiration for the name of my blog. I don’t know if it was written to be about infertility but I’ve always found the words fitting to our journey. If you like country music, check out this song by Wade Bowen. 

I can’t change the way we’re talking, but trying might do us good. I can’t change the way the world’s spinning, but I sure wish I could. You can’t step twice baby in the same river. You can’t ever go back in time. Yesterday’s over baby we’ll survive. 

So dancer a little closer, laugh about this crazy day, or lay your head down on my shoulder and we’ll cry the world away. We’ll find a tender moment, let it heal up what it should. Love has always kept us going, going from bad to good. From bad to good. 

Look at all this time we’re wasting, thinking about what to do. We’ve got so much more between us and we’ve always seen the rough times through. I can’t handle another quiet moment. Being lost means we can only be found. Take my hand, let’s turn this thing around.

So dance a little closer, laugh about this crazy day, or lay your head down on my shoulder, and we’ll cry the world away. We’ll find a tender moment, let it heal up what it should. Love has always kept us going, going from bad to good. From bad to good.

Mother

Yesterday, as I was signing the consent forms for my 2nd D & C in 4 months, I noticed something that I didn’t in August.  It said, ‘Mother’s signature.’ It didn’t really hit me yesterday and I don’t remember it months ago.

Let me back up.  In early November, we transferred our 2nd and final embryo.  I felt positive about it at the beginning but two days before my beta when I has some mild pink spotting, I lost all hope.  My beta did come back positive and my second beta rose appropriately.  I was unconvinced and terrified of miscarriage.  I didn’t feel that lovey feeling like I did with our first Rio. I prayed that God would change how I felt-maybe I didn’t let him.  Our first ultrasound revealed what I knew all along.  I felt terrible for Brett, he was abounding with joy and hope leading up to the ultrasound.  To make matters worse we had to wait another week for a follow-up ultrasound to see if maybe the first one was too early.  It wasn’t.  The pregnancy was nonviable.

This one feels different.  I’m sad, but yet I’m relieved.  Relieved that I don’t have to worry every day about miscarrying because I already have.  It’s a terrible place to live, in fear.  Looking back, I think maybe I wasn’t mentally prepared to carry another child.  I did love this Rio, granted I didn’t allow myself to dream for it.  I didn’t let myself imagine what he or she would look like or what he/she would be.  For that I am extremely sorry.  It was selfish.  I didn’t do those things so I wouldn’t hurt as much.  But now I hurt because I feel like I didn’t know this Rio like I knew the first.  Even though it’s naive.  That’s what miscarriage and infertility does to your heart and mind.  It gives you all the reasons to doubt and stop yourself from loving.

‘Mother’s signature.’  I am a mother.  A mother of two.  In less than a week, my second will be taken from my body.  I am ready for a break.  Ready to spend some time celebrating the 15 weeks I carried my babies over the last 6 months. Ready for some time to enjoy my husband, friends, and family without worrying about the next injection, pill, or appointment.  Ready to get back to running and exercising.  I’m ready to exist for me even if it’s just for a month or so.  This time I’m going to push to be the best ME  I can be so I can be strong and ready for the next IVF in January/February.  If your reading this-please pray for this MOTHER.